Fun Page: Jokes
An atheist was walking through the forests of the Rocky Mountains. “What magnificent trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he strolled alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look, and saw a seven-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out “Oh, my God! . . .”
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: “You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of your present predicament? Am I to count you as a believer after all?” The atheist looked directly into the light. “It would be hypocritical of me now to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful.”
Many thanks to St Andrew’s, Higham Hill, church mag. for this!
A Chuckle With A Lesson
A rather grubby tramp stood at he foot of the flight of steps leading up to the portal of a grandiose church. He thought he’d go in, and climbed the steps. At the door, the steward said “You can’t come in! We don’t want your sort in here!”
A bit disconsolate, the chap descended the steps and sat at the foot with his head in his hands. He heard a voice: God said, “What’s the trouble, my son?” The man said, “They won’t let me into that church.” And God replied, “Don’t let that upset you. I’ve been trying to get in there for years!”
At LUFC, we don’t have any steps at the door – do we?)
A churchgoer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday, “I’ve gone for 30 years now” he wrote “and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons, but for the life of me, I cannot remember a single one of them. So I think I am wasting my time and the Pastors are wasting their time by giving sermons at all.”
This started a real controversy in the ‘Letters to the Editor’ column, much to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote the following letter.
“I’ve been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals, but for the life of me I can’t recall the menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this, they all nourished me and gave me the strength I need to do my work. If my wife had not given me those meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise if I have not gone to Church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today.”
When you are DOWN to nothing, God is UP to something. Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible. Thank God for our physical and spiritual nourishment. When Satan is knocking at your door, simply say “Jesus, could you get that for me?”
Bible Study for Reely Gud Spelers
At a Catholic elementary school, children were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments (do not adjust your dictionary).
“In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.”
“The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.”
“Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.”
“ St. Paul converted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.”
“Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.”
“One of the oppossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.”
Taken from Thaxted Parish Magazine – with thanks.
Joke: God Said to Moses
God said to Moses “come forth and I will give you the sacred word of life”
But Moses came fifth and won a toaster
By Esther Mackay
Joke: Black and White
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Biblical Babysitter
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath into a very deep sleep.
Leaves of the Book
A little boy opened the big Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Mozart beyond the Grave
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
A Recently Spotted Car Sticker:
"God give me patience....And make it quick!"
Jokes from “Beneficial Religious Jokes”
The Devil’s Beatitudes
1.
Blessed are those who are too tired, busy or disorganised to meet with their fellow-Christians on Sunday each week; they are my best workers.
2.
Blessed are they who enjoy noticing the mannerisms of clergy, choir and stewards; I can see their heart is not in what they are doing.
3.
Blessed are the Christians who wait to be asked and who expect to be thanked; I can always use them.
4.
Blessed are the touchy; with a bit of luck they can even stop going to church at all.
5.
Blessed are they who keep themselves and their time and money to themselves; they are my missionaries.
6.
Blessed are they who claim to love their God at the same time as hating other people; they are mine for ever.
7.
Blessed are they who have no time to pray; they are easy prey to me.
8.
Blessed are they when they read this and think it’s about other people and not themselves; I’ve got them!
Anon – from
A Sound Theological Diet?
In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so man and woman would have long and healthy lives. Then using God’s bountiful gifts, Satan created ice-cream and biscuits, so man and woman easily gained 10 pounds in weight.
And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair. Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them, and woman went from size 2 to 16.
So God said: “Try my fresh green garden salad.” Satan presented crumbled Blue Cheese dressing and garlic bread on the side, and man and woman unfastened their belts following their repast.
God then said: “I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them”. Satan brought forth deep-fried shrimp, butter-dipped lobster and fried steak, and man’s cholesterol level went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato: naturally low infant and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt, and man put on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that people might lose those extra pounds. Satan came forth with cable TV with remote control so man would not have to toil changing the channels.
God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. Satan created fast-food restaurants double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: “You want fries with that?” And man replied: “Yes, super size.” And man and woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed, and created quadruple by-pass surgery – and then Satan chuckled and created waiting lists.
Found on the Internet by Elsie Speck
Puzzle: Do You Understand The Race?
1 1 was a runner
2 1 was 1 2
1 1 1 1 race
2 1 1 1 2
From the Salt Laser material
Sometimes, like Saul in the Bible we need things explaining to us.
Put your curser here for the answer
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